Feb 20 2011
I am starting to learn that life is all about growth. It’s not about getting older; that is not something I fear. I spent so many years of my early adulthood in pain that I am happy to leave those days behind. There are days I wake up and I have to pinch myself because I can’t believe I have horses in my backyard. I can’t believe that I found someone to share my life with. And I can’t believe I am a mom, an identity I cherish. It sometimes seems that I don’t remember life before I had children.
That isn’t to say that there aren’t days I still question my existence and the reason I am here. We all have a purpose, that I believe, but sometimes finding that purpose isn’t so easy. And things from the past can certainly continue to haunt you. Yet, humans persevere – it’s something called resilience.
The last week was spent without my horses. While I went down to feed and muck and occasionally turn them out, I was disconnected from what keeps me grounded. I had a lot going on and most of it was all in my head. Without explaining exactly what was bothering me, I will just say that I was torturing myself with worry. I lost sleep, I couldn’t eat, and the loss of control I felt was devastating. I had a friend tell me: “This too shall pass.” And my mother gave me a piece of valuable advice: SURRENDER – something I have struggled with for my entire life. I can’t do it. With time, and growth, I hope I learn to let go.
I have decided to dedicate this journey with Asali to SURRENDERING. I have no idea what’s in store for us, or what it is I might learn, but this goal of the Tevis Cup is not simply about a 100-mile ride, is it? So many unforeseen things are going to come up for us and I know I will be challenged. I am already faced with the fear of failing… but then I’ve heard it said that the only failure is the failure to try.
Yesterday I spent some time in the snow, shooting photos of the horses. I’m ready to ride again.